Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize