he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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