I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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