Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
