She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
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