I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
