I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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