Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
