I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
