mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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