It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
