so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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