Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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