I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
