I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
