Taylor Swift is so right about you.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
