i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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