I have demons in me.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
