Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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