Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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