WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
