Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
