When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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