this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
