Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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