I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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