My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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