meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Randomize
