my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
