I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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