I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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