please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
