Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You are the jesus of drinking
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
