i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
