dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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