he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
