She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
