i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
