Farmville is her only friend.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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