well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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