I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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