Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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