Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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