I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You ate ashes out of my bong
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
