remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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