I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
