I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
