how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
