He disabled his match.com account in front of me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
