The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
