They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
