The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
