I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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