Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
