I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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