cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
