I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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