On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
And then he peed in my hair
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