i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
