Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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