Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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