Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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