It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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