My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
